


Secrets in the Moonlight

by Eareniel



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Childhood Trauma, Eren has a crush, Eren has issues, Gen, Levi has issues, M/M, Pre-Slash, post episode 47, returning memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 06:00:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29448906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eareniel/pseuds/Eareniel
Summary: The events in the sparkling cave brought back unpleasant memories for Eren. A drunken chat with Levi reveals more than either one expected.Set after episode 47 of AoT anime. Spoilers for the anime and manga up till mid season 3.
Relationships: Levi Ackerman & Eren Yeager, Levi Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Comments: 2
Kudos: 89





	Secrets in the Moonlight

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: this fic contains discussions about past trauma and child prostitution. Nothing explicit, only vague mentions, but if these topics make you uncomfortable, please feel free to skip this fic. 
> 
> I got the inspiration to write this after I saw how traumatised Eren was by his returning memories in the glittering cave and I thought - what if Eren had suppressed memories of more than just his father and the key? 
> 
> This is my first finished fic after a five year hiatus, so I’m a bit rusty. I haven’t written anything for years but the world and characters of AoT are so fascinating that I wanted to explore them. It’s also a pre-slash, because while I love the dynamic between Eren and Levi, I don’t feel comfortable writing a full romance between them when Eren is canonically 15/16. 
> 
> I’m not normally much one for fic playlists, but if anyone is interested, I had Kalafina - 輝く空の静寂には on repeat while I wrote this. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own the world or the characters of Attack on Titan.

“Another round for the heroes of Orvud!” Conny yelled to the barman over the din of the rowdy pub. 

The place was full of soldiers and civilians alike, all of them enjoying the unexpected period of peace that had followed the coronation of Queen Historia. Historia herself wasn’t present, since a backwater pub in Mitras wasn’t exactly a suitable place for someone of her station, but the rest of the new Team Levi was there, along with what looked like half the royal garrison. All three military branches were mixing together merrily and laughter could be heard from all tables around the pub.

Eren sat in the corner of the pub with Armin, nursing his second beer. He hadn’t been much in mood to come along that night but the rest of the team had dragged him out under the guise of “team bonding”. Since even higher ups like Levi and Hange were present tonight, he figured he didn’t have much choice on the matter - Levi was still assigned as his dutiful shadow for most of the time so Eren’s only alternative would have been to spend the evening locked up in a musty room in the barracks. 

“The beer is here!” Sasha announced merrily to a sound of cheers from around the table. The pint mugs sloshed a little as she and Conny distributed them to the Scouts at the table, looking pleased with themselves. 

“To victory!” Hange proposed loudly, raising one of the tankards high. “And many more uncovered mysteries!” they added in a quieter voice, with a wink in Eren’s direction. 

“To victory!” the rest of the team echoed with varying levels of enthusiasm, along with approximately half the pub. Most of Eren’s companions just looked happy to have access to alcohol that they didn’t have to pay for. Eren joined in the cheer but only took a sip, not keen to get drunk. The beer tasted sharper than usual, indicating that someone might have “improved” it with a bit of hard liquor. Another good reason to drink slowly. Eren and Hange had performed several experiments with alcohol and his titan form over the past few months and the Squad Leader had deemed that it was safe for him to drink, but he still preferred not to risk it.

He was just about to ask Armin about his research in the royal library when Jean ambled over and threw a companionable arm around Eren’s shoulders. 

“Eren, my boy,” he opened, in that fake friendly voice that instantly raised Eren’s hackles. “Our most heroic six pack crybaby. You should come with me tonight.” He used his tankard to gesture at the gathered crowd in the room. “See all those cute military girls? We’re gonna get you laid.” 

Eren stiffened under his touch, but outwardly he only rolled his eyes.

“Really? You want to help me find someone to fuck? _You_ , horseface?” 

Jean frowned a bit at the insult but didn’t lose his cheer. 

“I will let you know that I’m a popular ladies man around these parts, Eren. Just ask those lovely Military Police girls over there.” He nodded towards a group of three girls standing at the bar. Jean was right, they did look pretty, even in their boring standard issue uniforms. Eren watched as Jean sent an exaggerated wink their way and to Eren’s surprise, instead of looking annoyed or pretending they hadn’t seen him, a couple of the girls giggled and threw Jean coquettish glances from under their lashes. 

“Wow, I didn’t know girls in the city were such fans of doing charity,” Eren mumbled. This time Jean did hit him in the shoulder.

“Hey you ass, I’ll have you know they fight for the chance to go out with me.”

“I’m sure they do,” Eren replied sarcastically, even though he did believe that Jean might well be able to pull a girl for the night. After all, he wasn’t a bad looking guy, as long as he didn’t talk much. Or at all. 

“Fuck off,” Jean shot back. “You know, you wouldn’t be such a self-centered prick if you got laid once in a while. It might even loosen up that giant stick you have lodged up your ass.” He paused, shooting a speculative glance between Eren and Levi, who was sitting on the other side of the long table with Hange, far enough to be out of earshot. “Unless that’s something you actually like having there.” 

Eren stood up abruptly, dislodging Jean’s arm from his shoulders. 

“No, that’s not really my thing.” He kicked back the rest of his pint, ignoring the burn of alcohol in his throat as he swallowed. 

“Fine then,” Jean scoffed, loudly enough for the entire table to hear. “Go and die a virgin! See if I care!” 

“Sorry Jean, you’re not my type,” Eren shot back in as a last ditch attempt at a comeback, trying to fight down a wave of embarrassment at the knowledge that even fucking Jean Kirschtein knew about his crush on Levi. Was he really so obvious? Did everyone know? “I need some air,” Eren told Armin, ignoring Jean’s smug face next to him and the stares from the nearby teammates and patrons. He set the empty tankard down with a thunk and started walking towards the exit, not waiting for anyone’s reply. 

He could hear Mikasa yell “Eren wait!” behind him along with Armin’s “Why do you always have to be suck a prick to him, Jean” but he ignored them both. He wasn’t in the mood for any company at the moment. 

The air outside was clean and fresh, a stark contrast to the smoky atmosphere of the pub. He could feel the alcohol from the hastily chugged pint slowly making its way through his system and he felt simultaneously drunker and more sober than he’d been minutes before. Not wanting to wait for someone to catch up with him, he started walking in a random direction, trying to put enough distance between himself and the team that no one would bother to come looking for him. Their curfew was still a few hours away, so he wouldn’t be breaking any regulations if he went to sit somewhere quiet for a few hours. 

His walking slowed a bit once he had walked a few blocks and he ended up strolling along the river, his steps echoing on the stone tiles of the pavement. The moon overhead was huge and almost full, making the surface of the water gleam silver in its light. The scenery around was peaceful with barely any people in the streets, but Eren felt restless, ill at ease in his own skin. Jean’s remark and its uncomfortable insinuations had hit closer to home than he would like to admit, and he knew that he would need a few hours to sort out his thoughts and calm down before he would be able to face the rest of the team again. 

He knew that Armin and Mikasa were most likely aware of his embarrassing, unrequited crush on the Captain (which may have been one of the reasons why Mikasa detested Levi so much), but he’d had no idea that the rest of the team knew about it as well. He had never spoken about it to anyone, never admitted it out loud, but apparently he was transparent enough that even fucking Jean was able to read him like a book. Fuck. So much for being able to keep any secrets. 

The Captain himself had never acknowledged Eren’s feelings in any way, which gave Eren a sliver of hope that he may be unaware of them, but considering how sharp the man was, it wouldn’t stay hidden for long. What would happen once the Captain knew? Would he just ignore it? Would he use it as yet another way to keep Eren in line? Or maybe, would he be open to-

No, no fucking way. _Stop being an idiot, Jaeger,_ Eren chastised himself for what felt like the millionth time. There was no way Levi would ever be interested in him. Eren was just a brat and potential threat to humanity, while Levi was one of their most celebrated heroes as well as someone who (to Eren’s knowledge) had never shown any interest in romantic relationships. He had to stop thinking about this and get over his stupid crush. He was totally going to stop thinking about it any moment now... In fact, he was going to walk around some more and then go back to the barracks and-

Eren turned around and almost ran straight into the very object of his thoughts. He managed to step back and around the Captain at the last second but the sudden movement made him stumble and he caught himself on the high stone railing of the river promenade, straightening up in front of his commanding officer. 

“S-sorry. I didn’t see you there. Sir,” he blurted out, mortified. Levi gave him a quick once-over. 

“You’re drunk.” He sounded unimpressed. But then again, he rarely sounded anything but unimpressed with the world at large. “How much did you have to drink?”

“Three pints. Same as everyone else,” Eren answered. “But I suspect the last one was a bit stronger than the others.”

“Hm.” Levi gave their surroundings a cursory glance, noting the empty streets around them. With a few exceptions, most of the windows of the surrounding houses were dark because the people in the merchant quarter had to wake up early to open the shops. As far as the world was concerned, they were alone - or, as alone as it was possible to be in a city full of people. 

“Why are you here, Sir?” Eren asked, even though he already knew the answer. 

“Why do you think?” Levi raised one sarcastic eyebrow. 

The corners of Eren’s mouth pulled down unhappily. He turned away from the Captain and propped his elbows on top of the wide stone railing, looking out at the river.

“You know - you don’t have to follow me everywhere. I can take care of myself.”

“You mean like you did all those times you got kidnapped and we had to rescue you?” Levi’s tone had reached peak snark. The blush that had previously receded from Eren’s face came back with a vengeance. 

“Sorry for that,” Eren murmured, hanging his head. “And sorry to pull you away from your pub night. Do you want to go back? I’m sure Hange will still be there if we go now. We haven’t been away that long.”

“Were _you_ planning to go back?” Levi retorted. Eren thought about lying to him, but knew the Captain would be able to tell. 

“No.” He signed. “I think I’ve had enough entertainment for one night.” 

“Well then.” To Eren’s surprise, instead of reprimanding him, Levi just walked over and leaned against the stone railing a few feet away, copying Eren’s pose. They stood in silence for a few minutes, watching the river, until Eren couldn’t stand the quiet anymore. 

“It’s weird,” he said, mostly to himself. Levi half turned his head in his direction.

“What is?” 

“This.” Eren gestured at the city around them, trying to encompass the entire world in a single wave of the hand. “Everything. This creepy, false peace. Everyone’s just going about their life like nothing happened, even though there are titans both outside and inside the walls, the previous regime has been overthrown and Wall Sina nearly got breached by a giant oozing monster just a few weeks ago. So much has changed, but no one seems to care. Life in here goes on the same as it always had. How can people just...carry on like this?”

Levi was quiet for so long that Eren thought he would just ignore his questions. 

“Because that’s what they do. It’s how they keep themselves sane.” He locked his hands together in front of him, his elbows still propped up on the stone. “The things we’ve seen, the things we do, it’s enough to drive anyone insane. Very few are able to stare death in the face without getting broken in the process.” The corners of his mouth tightened a little, a far away look in his eyes. “You need to be a special kind of monster to be able to do the work we do and still be able to sleep at night afterwards.”

“What if I can’t?” Eren asked, risking a quick sidelong glance at Levi. The Captain returned his gaze steadily. 

“It means that you’re still human.” 

“Am I?” Eren murmured, gazing back at the river. There were gentle ripples on the surface caused by the current and he could see one solitary duck floating slowly down the stream. It looked almost black in the darkness. Eren suddenly realised that this was probably the longest conversation he’d ever had with Levi that didn’t involve shouting or strategic planning. It was oddly enjoyable, despite the uncomfortable topic. The alcohol was coursing pleasantly through his veins, making him willing to be more open and honest that he would normally be, and he voiced a thought that had been plaguing him for months now. 

“How much humanity will be left in me, I wonder, once all of this is done? If I even survive to see the end.” 

“You might,” Levi said. “Didn’t Reiss say that the Royal Titan was the strongest of them all?” 

“He did,” Eren confirmed. “But I wonder how much of it’s powers I will be able to use properly without royal blood.” With his fingertips, he started tracing random patterns on the rough surface of the limestone balustrade. The motion was strangely soothing. “The Royal Reiss titans retained a lot of the memories of the previous incarnations. All I have are confusing snippets.”

“How much do you remember?” Levi turned towards him more fully, looking unusually interested. 

Eren hesitated, not sure how much he was comfortable with disclosing. He had given all the facts to the military brass during his debriefing after Orvud, but he had never spoken about the details. 

“Nothing useful,” Eren clarified. He didn’t want Levi to think that he was hiding any secrets. “Just…” he trailed off, feeling a sudden lump in his throat, “some of my father’s memories. Of the night he attacked the Reiss family.” He swallowed, clearing his throat a couple times before he continued. “And the night that he found me.” 

“You didn’t remember before?” 

Eren shook his head a little. “I didn’t remember any of it until now. My memories of the first couple of years after the fall of Wall Maria had always been vague, but I never knew why until now.” When Levi didn’t say anything, Eren took a deep breath and continued. 

“My father found me a few months after the fall of Shiganshina. He seemed sad and agitated, especially once he heard about...mum.” He had to stop for a few seconds to blink back the tears that threatened to fall every time he remembered his mother’s death. “He asked me to come into the woods with him, and I did, happily. I didn’t question anything. I was still a child and so happy to see my dad again. Once we were there, he gave me the key and-” his voice broke, remembering the horror of his initial transformation, of seeing the monstrous child titan through the eyes of his father, who was only seconds away from being devoured by the abomination. He sniffled, wiping his eyes with his sleeve as he continued in a shaky voice. 

“He explained to me about the importance of the key and the basement in Shiganshina. And then he...turned me into one of those brainless monsters and I killed him. I came to some time later, clutching his bloody glasses in my hand.” He stared at his empty hand, remembering the blood on the round frames like it had happened yesterday. “I think the horror of it all was too much for my brain and I simply...blocked it all from my mind. Next thing I knew, I woke up back at the warehouse next to Armin and Mikasa. I have no idea how I got back but I must have spent a few days wandering about in a daze. When I got back, all I knew was that I had to find the basement at all costs.” He signed. “I still don’t know what’s inside.”

A gust of wind blew through the streets, making the surface of the river ripple for a moment before it smoothed down again. The duck had swum under a nearby bridge and disappeared from sight. Eren wiped at his eyes again, embarrassed. How many times had Levi seen him cry in the time he’d been under his command? The others were right when they made fun of him - there was no way Levi would ever see him as a man or a potential partner, when he was such a pathetic little crybaby. 

“Sorry to ruin your night with my whining.” Eren pushed away from the railing and started walking back towards the barracks. Or - he tried to, but found that he was drunker than he’d thought and that his legs were rather unsteady. Luckily, there was a handy bench on the riverbank less than twenty feet away, so before he could embarrass himself even further by tripping and faceplanting into the stone tiles in front of his commanding officer, he shuffled over to the bench and sat down heavily, trying to figure out if he was going to be sick or not. 

Levi strolled after him leisurely, then leaned back against the nearby stone railing with his arms crossed in front of him, watching Eren with sharp eyes. It made Eren wonder whether Levi was going to watch him throw up too. 

“Your friends didn’t ask anything about your absence when you came back from the forest?” Levi asked a couple of minutes later, when it became clear that Eren wasn’t going to throw up for the time being. 

“No.” Eren leaned forward with his forearms on his knees, his hair falling down to hide his eyes. “Armin tried to talk to me about it a few times, but they eventually learned not to ask me too many questions. It wasn’t the first or last time I would...disappear for a while.” He realised that he was getting uncomfortably close to the topic that he never, ever wanted to discuss with anyone, so he closed his eyes and shut up. He was hoping that Levi would get bored with the topic of the conversation (just like he seemed to be bored by literally everything else that wasn’t killing titans) and drop it. 

Unfortunately, Levi had chosen tonight of all times to become inquisitive.

“And what reason would have a child to disappear from his friends and caretakers for days on end?” 

Eren swallowed, feeling nauseous all over again. He tried to tell himself it was all caused by the alcohol.

“I was...getting us food. There were no caretakers. Just me, Mikasa and Armin, in a shitty refugee warehouse in Wall Rose with way too many people and too little food. Armin’s grandpa stayed with us at first, but he got sent away in the campaign to try and reclaim Wall Maria and never came back. So it was just us three, most of the time.” Maybe, if he was lucky, Levi would assume that Eren had been a petty thief and drop the subject. 

“Hm.” In a sudden movement, Levi stepped away from the bench and came over to sit down on the bench next to Eren, less than a foot away. Despite his best intentions, Eren flinched a little when the man sat down, and Levi’s eyes followed the movement, narrowing. 

“You have been different since we came back from the Reiss cave.”

Eren avoided his eyes. “Have I? I wouldn’t know.” He knew his fake casual tone wouldn’t fool Levi, but he was hoping that the Captain would get the hint and drop the subject. 

Why was Levi talking so much anyway? Was he drunk too? 

Levi leaned back against the back of the bench, folding one leg over the other, and continued: “It’s been nearly two months since our victory in Orvud. Your teammates have spent most of their time in Mithras drinking, gambling and sleeping with anyone who would have them, celebrating the fact that we have all managed to survive the latest round of shit. Even Mikasa and Armin go to the pub with the rest of the Scouts, although I’ve never seen either of them follow anyone home.” He gave Eren a piercing look that made him feel like the Captain was staring all the way into his soul. “You, on the other hand, spend all your time training and look like you’re about to get your teeth pulled whenever anyone suggests that you join them. So. Why not? You like booze. You’re a sociable guy. Why not go with the others and have some fun?”

Eren shrugged. “I just don’t feel like being a spectacle. People get weird when they find out who I am and I prefer to avoid the attention.” It wasn’t the whole truth, but it was true enough. “Why do you care?” 

Levi shrugged. “You’re on my team, so I’m responsible for you, along with all the other brats.”

“I understand,” Eren said, “but frankly, Sir, what I do in my free time is none of your or anyone else’s business.” He could tell that his stonewalling was starting to annoy Levi, but he wasn’t about to spill his deepest darkest secrets to the Captain.

“It becomes my business,” Levi said, unimpressed, “when your mental state puts my entire squad at risk. I need to be sure that you won’t break under pressure because some unexpected shit surfaces that we didn’t know about. It was bad enough that you were ready to serve yourself to Rod Reiss on a silver platter. I don’t want another repeat.”

Eren hung his head but didn’t say anything.

“So, what is it?” Levi continued. “What really happened to you in that cave?”

Eren clenched his fists, annoyed at Levi’s obstinate determination to keep digging in his secrets. Couldn’t he just leave him alone for once? 

“You’ve read the briefings, Sir,” he said, keeping his voice neutral by sheer force of will. “You know what happened there.” 

“Clearly that wasn’t all,” Levi kept pushing. “I think you remembered something else. And whatever it was, it was enough to make you give up on your quest to kill all the titans and try to sacrifice yourself on the spot. What was it?”

Eren spent a moment debating with himself, trying to figure out how much to tell Levi. In the end he decided to go for the option that was the part of the truth.

“I remembered my father’s memories of killing the Reiss family. It was horrifying. Seeing him kill all those kids… And then he went and stole something that didn’t belong to him and then turned me into an unwitting weapon of his revenge. It just felt...wrong for me to have all this power. Like a mistake. Like it wasn’t supposed to be me.”

“Hm.” Levi didn’t look like he fully bought it, but he seemed willing enough to let the topic go. Eren inwardly sighed a small breath of relief and tipped his head backward, breathing in the crisp evening air. It was...weird, this whole situation. Sitting here with Levi, like they were just two comrades having a chat, instead of a titan shifter with his watchdog and potential executioner. 

It also didn’t help that Levi looked unfairly good at night, the moonlight turning his eyes to a liquid silver and his pale skin almost translucent. There was a part of Eren that wondered what would happen if he just leaned over and kissed the man. Would Levi push him away? Would he beat him up? Would he kiss him back? 

He stole another glance at the man under his lashes, imagining what it would feel like. Would Levi’s lips be soft or chapped? Would he let Eren kiss him or take charge? He had no idea. He had never kissed anyone. He had done...other things, things he wasn’t proud of and that he would rather forget altogether, but he had never wanted someone like he wanted the prickly man sitting next to him.

Unfortunately, his drunken glances probably weren’t as subtle as he had intended because Levi returned his gaze with a blank one of his own.

“By the way,” Levi continued, apropos of nothing. “Your teammates think you need to get laid. They think you’re too tightly wound and that you should blow off some steam before we set off for Shiganshina or you will crack under the pressure.” 

_What the fuck?_

Eren stared at him open mouthed, his brain frozen in face of the sheer bizarreness of this entire situation. Had Levi really just said what he had said or was it some delusion that Eren’s drunken brain had conjured up? Why the hell was Levi even bringing this up? 

A part of him wondered whether this whole evening had been some drunken fantasy and this was the part where Levi would volunteer himself for the duty of helping Eren “relax”, and he gave himself a small mental shake for being an idiot. Levi would never do that. He made himself swallow down the various inappropriate things that his traitorous brain suggested as a reply and instead settled for saying:

“Did you lose a bet with Hange?” 

“Hange may have been involved,” Levi admitted after a moment, confirming Eren’s suspicions that Levi would have never talked to him like this if it wasn’t for the Squad Leader’s troublesome meddling. 

“I knew it.” Eren shook his head, trying to hide his disappointment. Any thoughts of an illicit romance with his commanding officer died a swift and merciless death. He was so focused on the fact that Levi _wasn’t_ hitting on him that his drunk tongue went ahead and said something that he’d had no intention of ever disclosing. “But my teammates don’t have to worry,” he heard himself say. “I’m not going to die a virgin.” 

Levi shot him an inscrutable look. “They all seem to think you are still one.” 

Eren signed again, leaning forward again with his elbows on his knees. How the hell did they get here? How had they gone from deadly titan rituals to discussing his virginity? This was the conversation Eren had been hoping to avoid all along, but the alcohol seemed to act as some kind of an evil truth serum, forcing the truth out of him bit by bit despite his previous reservations. He closed his eyes. 

“So did I. But as it seems, I haven’t been a virgin for years.” 

He didn’t say anything else - he didn’t have to. Levi was a smart guy and would put two and two together soon enough. 

For a few minutes, no one spoke. The implications of Eren’s statement hung in the air between them, heavier than the Trost boulder. When Eren finally risked a glance at Levi, the other man was stone faced, staring off into the distance. Finally, Levi spoke slowly. 

“Does this have anything to do with your...disappearances?” 

Eren hesitated. Did he really want to tell Levi any of this? Would the Captain be even able to understand? But then he remembered the whispers he’d heard about Levi’s childhood, as well as the fact that Levi had already seen him at his lowest several times. It wasn’t as if he could sink any lower in the man’s eyes. So he figured, why the hell not, might as well get it off his chest while he was drunk enough not to care about what he was saying.

“Times were tough after Wall Maria fell,” he began in a low voice, his eyes fixed firmly on the pavement below. “There wasn’t enough food to go around in those days, even after the government sent so many people back to Wall Maria to “volunteer”. If you wanted to stay alive, you needed to find a way to survive. There were three of us to feed, and none of us were old enough to find legitimate work. We were all too young to sign up for the army and didn’t have any useful skills that we could sell. Or so I thought.” Eren grimaced, an involuntary shudder running through him at the memory of large meaty hands grabbing at him greedily. “It took a while, but I eventually managed to...find a way to get us food.” He paused, throwing another sidelong glance at Levi. “You grew up in the Underground, Captain. I’m sure you know how those things work.” 

“I have some idea.” Levi was watching him with an inscrutable expression. “Do Mikasa and Armin know about your...solution?” 

Eren shook his head. “No. They just thought I managed to cut a deal with the local guards. Which I did. In a manner of speaking.” Levi’s lips thinned but he didn’t say anything. Eren continued. “We were children. They didn’t question it any further and I never bothered to explain. It was better that way. Armin was sick a lot as a child and Mikasa...” Eren signed. “She’s my sister. I was supposed to look after her. I could never let her do something like…that.” 

Silence fell on them again and Eren hid his face in his hands, suddenly embarrassed by how much he had divulged. He swore he would never drink again, because this level of honesty was unbearable. 

Levi’s voice was low when he spoke again. 

“We all do what we have to survive in this shitty world.” 

Eren slowly raised his head to look at him, still apprehensive. Levi continued. 

“If it helps, my own mother was a whore. I never thought any less of her.” He had probably meant for the statement to be reassuring, but it had the opposite effect, because now Eren had a new word for what he’d done, for he had been, and felt even sicker than before. Levi must have seen something in his face because he looked equal parts disturbed and annoyed. “Wait, that’s not what I- I’m not calling you- You’re not-” 

He seemed to be struggling for words. It was clear that he was trying to find some way to make up for what he had unintentionally insinuated about Eren. 

Eren stood up from the bench in a swift motion, ignoring the way it made his head spin a little. He was suddenly feeling even sicker than he had before. 

“It’s okay,” he said, even though it wasn’t, it was anything but okay. He pushed down the nausea and started to walk away. He needed to get away from this conversation and all the memories it had brought back and maybe go somewhere to throw up-

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Eren.” Levi burst out behind him, in an uncharacteristic display of agitation. “Do you think **_I’m_** any better?” 

Startled by Levi’s exclamation, Eren stopped in his tracks. Did Levi just-? He turned to face the Captain, who was standing a couple feet away from the bench. There was a pained line between his eyebrows and he looked tense, but resolute at the same time. Before Eren could say anything in response to his exclamation, Levi took a deep breath and continued. 

“My mother died when I was a little brat, leaving me behind to starve to death in a shitty brothel. My uncle came by shortly after and took care of me for a few years, but he dropped me like trash as soon as I got old enough to fend for myself. I couldn’t have been more than ten or eleven.” He looked like each word was being pulled out of him against his will, but he grit his teeth and continued: “I was a tiny, useless piece of shit and the only things I had were a knife and lots of anger. There’s only so much work a kid that age can do. So I did what I had to survive.” He gave Eren a pointed look. “As did you.”

Eren swallowed with some difficulty, his eyes not leaving Levi’s face. 

“I’m sorry you had to live through that,” he managed finally. 

Levi gave a small, uncomfortable shrug 

“Shit happens. We just have to learn to live with it.” He looked away from Eren for the first time that night, clearly unnerved by how much he had divulged to Eren. 

They stood in awkward silence for a moment, neither quite knowing what to do with the unexpected moment of honesty. 

“Thank you,” Eren said finally, rubbing the back of his neck in an awkward gesture. “I haven’t been able to tell anyone about this. I had somehow managed to forget most of it after I joined the army, but the king’s ritual in the cave brought it all back in detail.” Unable to bear the weight of those knowing eyes any longer, he turned away and leaned on the stone balustrade again, waiting for the last remnants of his nausea to pass.

Levi didn’t say anything in response, just came over to stand next to him, a bit closer than he had before. It felt strangely peaceful, despite (or maybe because of) the uncomfortable scene that had just taken place. Levi’s words played over and over in his head and Eren suddenly felt an odd sort of kinship between them. They were both children of horrible circumstances, in their own ways. They had both managed to survive through horrible conditions, just to emerge victorious on the other side, stronger than before. He still wasn’t at peace with his memories and likely wouldn’t be for a while, but seeing Levi’s strength gave him hope that maybe one day, he would be able to overcome his old demons too. 

Eren had no idea how much time had passed the next time Levi spoke but the moon had moved in the sky by several degrees. 

“Can you walk back now?”

“Yes, I think so.” Eren pushed back from the railing. “I think I’ve sobered up now.” He fell into step with Levi and they started walking back to the barracks in companionable silence. The streets were completely empty by now, with the exception of the occasional drunk staggering home from the pub. 

They were almost at the barracks gate when they passed by a couple that was half hidden in the shadows of a nearby side alley, kissing passionately. Eren watched the man’s hand disappear under the woman’s skirts and looked away, blushing. Levi followed his gaze, looking unimpressed with the display. 

"You know that your teammates will keep picking at you until you make them shut up."

"They should learn to mind their own business,” Eren mumbled, still blushing. 

“They’re a bunch of nosy brats.”

“Yeah, they’ve always been like that.” Despite himself, Eren smiled a little, remembering his teammates’ rowdy antics during their training years. “Don’t worry Captain, I'll find a way to do something about it."

A small, uncharacteristic smirk tugged on the corner of Levi's mouth. "From what I've heard, both Mikasa and Historia might volunteer to help you."

Eren threw him a vaguely horrified look. "Mikasa is like my sister. That would be just wrong. And Historia is...lovely, but…” He fumbled for words, trying to find a way to express his thoughts without insulting their ruling monarch. “I don't want her. I don't want either of them." 

He swallowed, a sudden wave of boldness rising in his chest. He had already revealed several painful, embarrassing secrets to Levi tonight. What if he added one more? 

"I don't want them," he repeated more firmly, meeting Levi’s eyes with more courage than he really felt. "Because who I want is-"

"Eren!" Levi interrupted him sharply, correctly reading the expression on Eren's face. Eren wasn't sure what his own face looked like but his crush and resolve to confess were probably painfully obvious. 

“Captain-” he tried again.

“Not now, Eren,” Levi interrupted him, not unkindly. His face went through a complicated set of emotions, faster than Eren was able to discern. “This is not a good time. But-” he said, hesitating a little, before he seemed to make up his mind and continued, “if we both survive this, come and find me.” His lips quirked up at the corners in a small smile. “If you still feel the same when all of this is over, come and ask me again. I might just consider it.” 

He turned on his heel and marched through the gates of the barracks, the Wings of Freedom on his cloak fluttering in time with his steps. 

Eren tilted his head back to look at the moon overhead, smiling. He felt lighter than he had for weeks. There was a reason why people said that confession was good for the soul. 

He watched Levi disappear through the doors of the officers building and his smile widened into a grin. His situation wasn’t hopeless after all. Levi may not want to date him now, but there was always the future. 

And right now, his future was looking brighter than ever. 

_The End_

**Author's Note:**

> Most of this fic was written in a single insomniac writing binge at 2 a.m. so please excuse any errors. Also, I don’t hate Jean - if anything, I adore his character arc in AoT, but I needed someone to create conflict. Poor Jean got the short end of the stick in this.
> 
> I have a couple more Levi/Eren fics in the works that should hopefully be posted soon. This is a brand new writing fandom for me so I will appreciate feedback and constructive criticism. Thank you for reading!


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